Thursday, November 28, 2013

Things I learned in 2013

* It’s been a year now and I’m not saying I regret saving the world from the Mayan apocalypse but you folks could show a little more gratitude.

 * Ben Affleck is free to do anything he wants after winning an Oscar.
Except play Batman. 

* NFL locker rooms are like LORD OF THE FLIES for grown-ups.

* If Walter White had killed Dexter both series would have ended better.

* 2013 was the year America’s retailers learned how to run Back to School and Christmas sales simultaneously.

* Syria. I know where it is on a map now. Thanks CNN.

* Kim Kardashian & Kanye West had a kid.

First time I’ve seen a baby cry when it was born for the right reasons.

* I bought too much Halloween candy again. 
Want a fun size Snickers?

* Blockbuster Video closed their last retail stores.

This is something I should have learned in 2009.

* If you compare our studio deals Grumpy Cat gets a bigger trailer than I do. Co-incidentally I have a litter box in mine too.

* That I am little disappointed Harrison Ford is going to take a paycheck and appear in the new Star Wars film after badmouthing the franchise for years. I know Han shot first but maybe he should have saved better?

* The producers and writers of THE OFFICE know how to end a TV series. Most satisfactory ending to a show I loved in years. It was to me anyway.

* I didn’t want to love Chuck Lorre’s new sitcom MOM, but I do.

* Toronto is a much more interesting city than I ever knew, eh Mr. Mayor?

* Andy Kaufman, Jerry Garcia and Elvis: all still dead.

* There is no frequent flier miles program for drones at The Pentagon.

* BROOKLYN NINE-NINE has the best opening credits music on TV.


* Every time the Red Sox win the World Series I expect the world to end the next day. Then I’m kind of disappointed that it doesn’t.


* No more real Mexican Coke? Damn. 
Wait, are we talking about the same thing?

* That I can’t watch Chris Pine in the new STAR TREK films without constantly thinking he really is William Shatner’s secret bastard love child.

* As soon as you think nothing will surprise you anymore, something will surprise you.

* 58% of Americans are FOR the legalization of marijuana.

The other 42% were too paranoid to answer the phone when the pollster called.

* I bought too much Easter candy again. 
Want a hard marshmallow Peep?

* If you hate the idea of government even existing maybe you shouldn’t ask people to put you in charge of it.

* That I still don’t care who won the Stanley Cup.

* That I want to open a restaurant with Cindy Williams and call it Tavern & Shirley.

* Chris Christie’s campaign film will literally be a ROCKY type training montage of him working out in the New Jersey wilderness.

* That too many people at the mall dress like they shop at FOREVER 21 when they should shop at a store called I'M ACTUALLY 50.

* Netflix was nominated for Emmy Awards this year. Amazon, Hulu, Microsoft and more are going to get into the game now too. 
Everything you know about TV is about to be re-invented...again.

* We can bring a knife on a plane but not a soda? I feel safer already.

* I want to open a food truck that only sells desserts and call it Wheelie Sweet.

* That I am more secure in my sexuality than Hallmark because I still don my gay apparel at holiday time.

* A 0-6 start to a season for your NFL favorite team sucks donkey scrotum. I’m talking to you NY Giants.

* If Chris Christie doesn’t win the Presidential election in 2016 he has a standing offer to host THE BIGGEST LOSER.

* 3-D movies are here to stay. Until they go away again.

* I bought too much Valentine’s candy again. 
Want a heart shaped Reeses?

* Since Congress only works about 27 days a year I didn’t even notice the government shutdown. I’m sorry, alleged government shutdown.

* If Hillary actually is running for President and consequentially will be on the road for weeks at a time 2016 can’t come fast enough for Bill Clinton.